first thing this morning, first thing at 10:30
someone told me "i love you" and "that's good"
when i called him at the office where he works
someone offered me an apartment
a few doors down from his, so i'd be nearer
and throughout, the sun put on a stunning glow
and the bog lay still with the red leaves of winter
and i the poet, starting sentences with and
am warm inside my house, with a goldfish as company.
5 comments:
Well, simply, I liked it. Add to the good list.
but here's my suggestions:
put a comma after "glow" and cut "and the," replace it with "a"-- ...glow,/ a boy lay...
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put a comma after "starting sentences" and cut "with and"-- ..., starting sentences, am warm inside...
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Just a personal thing conserning the form, but I'd also cut: blanketing in the seeds of next fall's growth. To me it's excessive. Keep it with just the two line couplets.
Take care.
Brian.
Forgot to mention: line break after "am warm"--- and i the poet, starting sentences, am warm/ inside my house, with a gold fish as company
thank you brian, i agree with the couplets argument. done and done.
will wrestle with the other suggestions later. thanks again :)
they are three different peoples.
and my goldfish is rather pleasant company.
How lucky the three are!
(And I love "and i the poet, starting sentences with and"!)
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