Guilty Happy

Two of my best friends are unhappy. Both friends are dear to me for many reasons, one reason in particular though, is that they're also married, and having married couple friends is really nice when you're married. They are both unhappy in their marriages. So unhappy, that both marriages are on the verge of ending. I am so sorry for both of them, but at the same time, I am reaffirmed of my own happy marriage.

The other night I felt so guilty for being happily in love while the people around me are so miserable (medicated, depressed, crying). I felt so guilty that I cried. Fortunately for me though, I had a loving pair of shoulders to shed my tears all over.

I am so lucky, and I never forget it. Ryan is my best friend of all time and we have a really healthy relationship in other marital matters.



We met in person the summer of 2001 - 8 wonderful years ago - and we're still just as happy. Some days I would argue we're even happier than before.



We had a beautiful little wedding. Our wedding day - April 18th of 2004 - is still the best day of my life.

Now, we've got a happy little house, three lovely little kitties, and we make do despite my hesitance to join the real work force (not to say I don't work hard, I do, but we'd probably be a bit better well off if I hadn't gone to school and stayed at the hotel).



It's not just that these two friends of mine are going through difficult times with their spouses (really difficult), but also that some of my single friends are... well... single.

I love my girl friends at graduate school, but they go on about things that I don't find myself fully empathizing with; like swooning over professors. Now, I can swoon, but most of the time I just end up thinking about my boyo.

Is it weird to have a crush on your husband? I just can't help it. Sometimes he makes me giddy like a little girl.



He makes me giddy and happy. He can always make me better. The times I've broken down into tears over stupid little life things are innumerable, but so are the number of times he's been there to lift me back up and make sense of the world again. I know I'd be okay without him, but I am so happy and so lucky not to have to worry about that sort of scenario that my two married friends are facing at the moment.



Ryan is my best friend. He's also my lover. He's kind, generous, dedicated, loyal, sweet, caring... all the things you want your life partner to be. I couldn't be more lucky. I couldn't be more grateful.



Part of what makes us work so well together, though, is how much we share. We share interests, tastes, desires and senses of humor. But most of all we share our time. We plan together and arrange together and talk everything through. We're honest to one another. People who know Ryan and I know that if you tell me something, Ryan is going to find out about it in a short amount of time and visa verse. We talk. We even talk when we don't have anything to talk about (which, erm, if you know Ryan is almost never).

I thought it was simple to talk all the time. It seems not though, as not talking and not being honest seem to be the root of other people's marital problems.



So while my girlfriends are suffering, I am curled up on one of the twin red sofas with my amazing husband watching a scary movie and sharing a soda. He drinks diet soda because he feels bad having regular soda in the house while I'm in an effort to stay fit. My girlfriends are giving themselves up, while someone is giving up things for me. I guess that's another aspect of why we work so well together, because we're willing to make little sacrifices for one another. Hell, Ryan moved to another country half way round the world to live with me... if that isn't sacrifice I couldn't tell you what is.



I am happy. I feel bad about it sometimes. Nights like tonight are difficult, having to hold my friend as she weeps over her husband's most recent decision while my handsome, amazing husband is sat just a few feet away, concerned as much for how I might feel then as anything else in the world. How could I not feel happy to have someone like that in my life?

Ryan is behind my every smile, and even though I feel guilty for being so lucky, I won't refuse a smile. Not from him.