Sunday, November 20, 2022
Wednesday, July 13, 2022
on empty
my tank is the shape
of an oversized mug
and it's already empty again -
after refill, after refill and another
so I'm searching for road signs
to the closest refill with my empty can
on a sunny summer Wednesday
after everyone else has already gone
leaving me with no one to walk
through the last hour alongside
Tuesday, March 29, 2022
Wednesday, January 26, 2022
divining
sometimes I force the words
and end up starting a poem
with words like awaken and purchase
to describe an itchy scalp
caused by cheap shampoo
imported from Japan
in an expensive looking bottle
shaped like a jar of honey
Friday, January 21, 2022
not today
Sunday, January 09, 2022
Tuesday, January 04, 2022
Sunday, January 02, 2022
day 2
Saturday, January 01, 2022
day 1
Wednesday, November 03, 2021
anniversary
Sunday, September 26, 2021
Sunday, August 29, 2021
Wednesday, July 07, 2021
Saturday, June 12, 2021
Wednesday, May 26, 2021
Sunday, May 23, 2021
Tuesday, May 18, 2021
Monday, April 19, 2021
Sunday, April 11, 2021
Wednesday, April 07, 2021
a break on cleaning day
Saturday, April 03, 2021
the sky is a strange color, the geese think so too
the night sky is blue
bright blue like a film made dark
geese honk from the bog
Tuesday, March 30, 2021
Sunday, March 21, 2021
Thursday, March 18, 2021
Tuesday, March 16, 2021
Saturday, March 13, 2021
Wednesday, March 10, 2021
Sunday, March 07, 2021
Tuesday, March 02, 2021
Sunday, February 28, 2021
Tuesday, February 23, 2021
Monday, February 22, 2021
Saturday, February 20, 2021
Friday, February 19, 2021
Thursday, February 18, 2021
Wednesday, February 17, 2021
Tuesday, February 16, 2021
Sunday, February 14, 2021
Saturday, February 13, 2021
Friday, February 12, 2021
Thursday, February 04, 2021
something I do
Friday, January 29, 2021
chocolate chips
Friday, January 22, 2021
inside
written in sharp pencil
inside the wings of a paper crane
fears exposed in graphite
for no one to see.
Sunday, January 17, 2021
he says
this is our morning - the alarm goes off
on his side of the bed. he sleeps facing west.
he rises his torso and says "stop" to the robot
that lives inside the display. she stops.
i stir. he turns and speaks, but i can't understand
because my ears are still asleep. my eyes stuck closed.
"wha?" i lift myself and he says "i love you."
and i say "oh" and then "i love you too" and after 16 years
it just occurs to me this morning
that the first thing he says to me each day
is "i love you" and i wonder how long he's been doing that
and i feel both careless and adored as i bang my head on the wall
while trying to get my slippers on so I can feed that cats.
Friday, January 01, 2021
Magic
Thursday, December 31, 2020
in the WINS column of 2020
A year ago, I had an idea of what today would look and feel like for me. It's completely different from what I imaged. I am completely different from who I was a year ago. We all are, whether we acknowledge it or not.
There have been so many LOSES this year.
Lives and livelihoods. Routines and traditions.
So I wanted to take some time to focus on my personal wins. This is a simple but difficult exercise for me. This is an important exercise for me. I do not want to forget this year, or write it off entirely.
My WINS column of 2020
There's a Podcast All Right. In August of 2019 I bulldozed my way into the lives of Goldie & Janna. I love them both so much, and they let me! In February, we launched our Twin Peaks podcast. We've published 27 episodes (a few of them are just trailers, but heck, I'm counting them!). We've gotten over 2,500 unique downloads. Getting a little bit of attention is one thing, but what has become more valuable to me is the connection with two incredible people through a shared passion. Recording sessions with Goldie & Janna have become a mental and emotional anchor for me throughout this seriously wild year. I've also learned a lot about the process of recording, editing, publishing, and publicizing a podcast. It's involved. And it's rewarding.
Hyde Came to Cape Cod. Our friend of 16 years came to celebrate his birthday with us this year. It was his first visit to Cape Cod and it was an absolute joy! We got to treat him to his first taste of real New England Clam Chowder. We got to treat him to a special birthday dinner out and crepes mille birthday cake. He's the only Twin Peaks family we got to see this year in person and I am BEYOND grateful that he got to come here in February. Love you, Bryan!
Couch to 5k and beyond. In June, while Ryan was upping his marathon training, I decided to make a positive change for myself. I was partly inspired, no joke, by the Netflix show The Floor is Lava. I watched regular people in decent shape have a hell of a lot of fun on a goofy tv show and I wanted so much to be part of it. Or at least, I wanted to be capable of being part of it. So I downloaded a podcast series called Couth to 5K, published by the NHS. My only goal was to get out the door. I followed instructions and in 9 weeks I was able to comfortably run 30 minutes. Within a couple months from then I could run 3 to 5 miles 3 times a week with comfort and have done so ever since. I have even run 6 miles a couple times and have a 7 mile route planned. It feels so good to be able. And as a side effect, I've lost 20 pounds from March to now. Special mention here of my dear friend Nicole, who inspired me to run without headphones too, which has become a real blessing all of its own.
One Perfect Dinner. I woke up one morning in early September with a craving for biryani. I conspired with Ana-Maria about my craving. I shared my fantasy to pick up food at Ryan and my favorite local Indian restaurant chain, Shanti, and show up at the Belanders' backyard to share the bounty in exchange for safely distanced company and mocktails. It was, like I said, a fantasy. But Ana-Maria, Ryan, Landers, they were all in for it. The day and time would work. We were all healthy, all cautious. The restaurant was near enough to their backyard. The weather was agreeable. I found parking. The woman was bringing my order out of the back as I walked in to collect it. She complimented my hair. The drinks Landers made went perfectly with the flavors spread out around the table in plastic containers, still warm. The conversation was lively and we were all graced with leftovers from the meal. It went PERFECTLY. Like a dream. And in contrast to every other plan we've tried to make and execute this year. I will forever remember the joy I felt in accomplishment that night. The bravery in expressing my fantasy.
Grief Group. On November 2nd I learned that a dear friend from graduate school was on hospice care at home. Four of us that were close to her arranged to chat that Thursday. We knew there wasn't much time and we knew that we would need each other. Jenni passed away on November 4th. I found out on the 5th. I am forever grateful that we had that chat scheduled already. I lost Jenni, but I won Beth, Nicole, and Katey all over again. They have become my grief support group and so so so much more. I love you ladies SO MUCH.
Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Okay, yep. This is a video game. But it's not just a video game. I made new friends through playing it, and have been staying in touch with Faye most regularly through the game. I am so grateful to Nintendo for creating a place for me to escape to when I most need it. And for creating a tune for me to hum when the anxiety is so bad I can feel it filling my chest. I hum it A LOT. It's my inner-song. That is such a gift.
Mesdames des Macarons. My little company turned 10 years old in Nov/Dec of 2020. To celebrate, and because I was not going to be able to sell at the one market we usually have around our "birthday", I completely changed my business model this year. I used new tools (google forms and square) to set up a Macaron of the Month Club. Thanks to the help and support of Mary, I was able to rejuvenate the company after a long seven months of not baking at all. It turned out to be a nice way to celebrate and has gone really smoothly aside from most Christmas orders getting shuffled in the mail due to COVID. This change and my company go in the win column because I so easily could have let it sit out, let it fade, let it escape me. Instead, I innovated. I'm proud of that.
All Elite Wrestling. Okay, yep. This is a wrestling promotion. This goes in the win column for 2020 because so few routines held up this year. Fortunately for us, we picked the right sport to watch. Every Tuesday and Wednesday night this year, I could reliably settle in for a couple of hours or more and let most of the real world wash away while I watched hot bodies with beautiful minds beat each other up and flip over each other for my entertainment. And what a great group of accepting, talented, and wonderful people I have found to admire from this company. I will be forever grateful. Having discovered Abadon, Lance Archer, Ricky Starks, Top Flight, and many more this year, is part of this win.
There are so many KEEPS in 2020 too. There are a lot of things and people that have stayed with me this year. Some of them has strengthened. These are kind of like honorable mentions... Ryan, Alli, Rowdy, Daniella, Liz, Erin, Kelly, Jason, Faye & Hawkins, Shane & Sheila, my family (though it's freaking complicated), work (though that's even more complicated), my house/home, Caitlin (my pen pal!), Michelle, Becki, my Twin Peaks family, my WW family, my Gustare family (some of the coolest teenagers I have *ever* met, I met this year), and there are more, for sure. Everyone who's stayed in touch with me, shared with me, checked up on me. Thank you all so so so so much. I love you so so so much.
Friday, October 09, 2020
tired is
trying to express your level of fatigue
without coopting, appropriating, comparing.
trying to measure trauma against normal,
while normal breaks, fractures, disintegrates.
caffeinating. passé. or past its sell by date.
hitting the refresh symbol expecting something
to happen this time. the 200th time.
writing it down.
in couplets.
Friday, May 15, 2020
i am working on something hidden
shows here. in this space.
other(few)times, it is hidden deep
in the pathways between the heart and the head.
and when it is ready, the poet will take off her mask.
Tuesday, January 14, 2020
press
into the core of the earth
with your bare feet
on a mat made of soft pvc
that could kill a roaming sea turtle
in search of its dinner.
find your heart center
and imagine being as flexible
as the woman on your laptop screen
or having a room in your home
that had a wall as empty
or a floor as clean as her
made for youtube backdrop.
don't let your mind wander.
press your big toes
into the future
and try not to imagine
where exactly the opposite side
of the globe is and what kind of
sandwich you could make
with the stranger on the other side.
focus on breathing.
press your palms down
to the bottom of the water table
which you know isn't so deep
after last spring's flood
and breath in while you gently push
the cat off the mat
where your feet are supposed to go
and breath out while you give up
on moving the cat off the mat.
the cat is your heart center.
you found it. sit down
and pet it until it purrs
and the lady on your laptop
is in the savasana pose.
breath and press into your day.
Monday, January 13, 2020
fasting
about buying bread, jelly, and peanut butter
to keep in a desk drawer at my office
and wondering, would the jelly keep?
Saturday, October 19, 2019
economy
leftovers
Tuesday, October 01, 2019
cranberry harvest
off one particular spot
not locked by coordinates
it rides the waves down each gap
in the growth of the cranberry bog
as the harvesters flood it
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
sequence gap
for a deep breath
before the world ends
let's hold hands
and stare up at the moon
until we see double
occupying the vacancies
filling the ocean with lava
solidifying our end
as we become rocks
like punctuation marks
on our own history
Friday, July 26, 2019
robots writing poetry
and found a "random poem generator"
that wasn't random at all, but a series of pages
filled with empty fields for me to fill in...
suggest a noun.
the website suggests something like "sea" or "book"
because that's what all poems are actually about.
they're never about loose pamphlets the wind blew onto the floor
that were then trampled over by some unaware, sandal-wearing
dad with two pairs of prescription glasses hanging
from his $60 v-neck t-shirt with a tiny hole in the chest
from where the cat used him as a parkour platform
to better catch a month after he'd only had the shirt
two days.
give a hint.
so that the robots can better identify your noun
when looking it up online. because the robots
also don't know anything really, it's all stored away
and like us they have to retrieve it from somewhere
just like we do with our phones while we're sat
around a summer camp fire trying to remember
the name of the women who played the villain
in the latest power rangers movie.
Elizabeth Banks.
i got board and decided to write my own poem instead.
how could none of us remember Elizabeth Banks?
American. National. Treasure.
Elizabeth. "That is Mahogany!" Banks.
Thursday, July 25, 2019
reading your heart
devouring them
understanding the pain
not because i have felt it
in my life, so charmed,
but i have felt it come
through your words
the shards swallowed
the callouses formed
around your sensitive parts
and i wonder if the words you wrote
really did heal you, even just a little bit
because i feel fuller, healed
and strong from your words
i want to give some back to you
to create a dramatic
woman healing woman
feedback loop.
Monday, July 08, 2019
heart
who do i cry to
about how heavy
it feels inside this spell
of silence?
who hasn't heard it before,
the moaning of uncertain
outcomes?
how not hearing from you
can make me dread
the vacation I'm taking
that up until two days before
i was excited for... because
i don't want to leave you
like this...
Monday, June 10, 2019
a new rules of lemons
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
herd
in your neighborhood swimming pool
our antlers up, ears twitching
listening to you argue about what to do
to get ride of us without hurting us
and wondering if we know how to use the stairs
while the biggest bucks are dancing
around the small herd of white tails
escaping the heat and the bear
that's coming up behind you.
Thursday, May 16, 2019
rough days
Rough days. They happen. Today was one of them. It feels like the world is smaller. Its gravity is stronger. The consequences more severe. The pain more real. A quick cry in the car. Go lie on the floor of my friend’s new apartment and wait for more friends to arrive. I ramble cryptically. Offer one of the people around me half of my life. We negotiate down to one third. My partner takes me home. I step away, be alone. When I resurface, he’s at the bottom of the stairs awkwardly holding a very full, hot cup of tea.
tea
tea finds its way into our writing our poetry our drabbles liquid capable of conquering empires raising dynasties giving birth to war that inspired the child to invent a language and pursue love that stains an old pot by the kettle by the sink waiting to be filled and poured out into perfect cups poured out over perfect conversations like the poet leaning over the back of a lounge yearning to find the words for the magic that no one has yet to put together just the right way that stirs the heart like milk in a cup of tea
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
continued
poetry month continues
bleeds into a drabble a day
like one cup of tea turns into two
because i haven't finished this book
that a friend gave me
that her friend wrote
and wrote beautifully, if i might say so
so i do say. it makes my heart
pound feel realer. heavier. truer.
Monday, May 13, 2019
journey
That evening she sat staring at the incredible, abundant, extravagant beauty her friends, family, neighbors, and acquaintances had delivered to her. Still unsure of why and wondering what to do with so many flowers and plants, she wept. Tears that overwhelmed her. What love was this? What motivation did so many people have to visit and wish her well. What journey they spoke of… and slowly her heart swelled. It takes time for the spirit of a human to understand. To comprehend. The journey she was taking was one she would never be able to share with them. The living.
mysterious
All day friends stopped by her home. The first arrived at 7:26 am on her way to work. With flowers. Each of them who could come themselves dropped off a small bouquet or potted plant. Three different flower delivery vans came by that day, each dropping off multiple gifts. The day went on and on. Visitor after visitor coming by, saying hello, sharing love and well wishes, then vanishing, leaving flowers in their wake. It wasn’t her birthday, it wasn’t a holiday, she wasn’t grieving or celebrating anything that she knew of. But someone had planned this. A mysterious day.
Monday, May 06, 2019
drabblers' condition
drabblers' condition is a minor ailment derived from the self-imposed rule that one must compose and post one new drabble every day in the month of may. the condition lies dormant until the drabbler becomes either lazy, overwhelmed, or uninspired; thereby missing one day of continuous composition and posting. drabblers afflicted with this condition have two courses of action in which to alleviate the condition. one, one can simply carry on, pretending no days have gone missed. or two, compose an extra drabble the next day and pretend no days of gone missed. this condition only occurs in may.
Saturday, May 04, 2019
form
when composing a drabble one might consider form. however, the limitation of composing something consisting of exactly 100 words is in itself a form. one may argue that the limitation directs or informs the form of the composition.
however, again, a drabbler may chose any form or layout that they chose.
one may present their 100 words in a standard paragraph form.
and yet another
may present a series
of couplets. and so
it is agreed upon
that the form of a drabble is fluid and defined outside of the word count parameters. one may and should use any form.
Friday, May 03, 2019
contents
contents may vary from drabble to drabble.
some drabbles may be sweet ruminations on the budding spring time while others may be bemoaning mini tirades on one's swollen sinuses and watery eyes.
some drabbles may be quirky and allusive while others are direct and poignant.
some drabbles may contain references to revolutions fought, fighting, or to be fought while others are mere meandering flights of fancy like fantastic tiny journeys on the backs of bumble bees.
still yet other drabbles may reveal themselves to be nothing more than instructions on fixing the perfect snack.
but they all stir the heart.
Thursday, May 02, 2019
procedure
1. open word counting tool. (bookmark or download one if you haven't already.)
2. poor a hot cup of trader joe's mint watermelon tea. (product placement. send back up tins, this stuff is delicious!)
3. begin composition.
3a. think of a word or a place.
3b. begin to ruminate on said word or place.
(different drabblers may have different techniques when it comes to inspiration)
3c. type out your thoughts in your word counter.
4. begin to panic that you either a) have written too many words or b) have a perfect little poem at 85 words.
5. edit profusely.
Wednesday, May 01, 2019
definition
Friday, April 26, 2019
grumble mug
muddy decaffeinated tea
[it's been enhanced by sugars
and fats from various sources]
grumbling to myself because
no one else is here
and no one else would care
[probably] or at least
not enough to respond
with anything helpful
so grumble away, me.
grumble all day as long
as the work gets done.
personal nimbus
rung out over me
casting across all my paths,
if i ignore you
will you get worse
or go away?
Tuesday, April 23, 2019
the muscle fibers caught up
an arm around another
lips pulled back in a smile
or turned down in a pout
rushing from one gate
to another to catch a flight
or pulling himself up
out of a chair after a nap
the stretch of muscle
is visible under skin
and we're all caught up
in the motions of the flexing
and relaxing
Friday, April 19, 2019
the green river girl
there's a girl, the green river girl.
i invented her.
at first, she was just a pleasantry
an imaginary friend
to the girl inside me named something
who i invented so she could write poems,
but then the green river girl grew up
fed off the grief and fear of losing my pa.
she siphoned my turmoil, my sadness,
and spread it out across the valleys
of the Pacific Northwest of America.
she planted seeds all around this place
where i trek once a year
knowing I'd keep coming back
and eventually see the blossoms
of what she planted for me here.
today we - me, something, and the green river girl -
took the familiar trail down to the bottom
of the falls we stare at for long periods of time
to remember and honor all our past feelings
and today i recognized the fruits and flowers
that were planted a decade ago
by the green river girl, weighed down as she is,
by rocks and sadness, and stuck here forever
in these trees and this water, green and strong.
Thursday, April 18, 2019
my phone has a microphone, i dropped my phone, i dropped a mic, did i drop the mic?
i did.
didn't i?
yeah, i did.
Monday, April 15, 2019
driving rain
houses made of wood will leak
and we keep trekking forward
through the driving rain
Sunday, April 14, 2019
reattached
with wax covered thread
by a weak needle
and shaking fingers
but with the kind of care
that makes up
for lack of knowledge
or practice
and stays reattached
even in rough weather
Friday, April 12, 2019
wide screen
computer monitor at work
and the bottom of the screen
(it's 25" (i measured it))
is covered edge to edge
with little post it notes
(the 2" square ones
(i measured those too))
some are stuck three long
one on top of another
on top of another.
they are reminders
of what must be done.
a colorful to-do list
across the bottom
of my wide screen monitor.
Tuesday, April 09, 2019
air
something that upset it
so all the liquids i interacted with
did their best to drip
splash
spill
overflow
spray
so much so that i felt
much like a soggy squirrel
flapping my tail
most of the day
water was not my element
but then i'm air anyway
at least that's what Ajia thinks
she told me when i complained
about my water problem
while water splashed up
from the basin of the sink
and soaked into the apron i'd put on
for protection
Monday, April 08, 2019
either way.
Sunday, April 07, 2019
cherry blossom bandit
no one suspected
the big grey goose
with the bright orange beak
was capable
of such heinous
criminality
alas, he had a tendency
to rob local shops
of their cherry blossom
flavored baked goods
during the busy festival
in spring
Saturday, April 06, 2019
Friday, April 05, 2019
the meaning of tired
describes how i feel
most of the time
tired is a little word
but this little word
has many meanings
such as i stayed out
too late last night
and regret it a little now
or i do the same things
over and over and over
and see no end in sight
sometimes it means
do i have to do this again
didn't i do this yesterday?
it can mean chocolate
where is the chocolate
i am going to need chocolate
or it can mean i ate
too much chocolate
even though that seems impossible
or wondering why the heck
recreational fishing
seems like a relaxing idea
when actually it's really
mean to trick a fish
and totally ruin its day
tired can also mean
i feel like i've seen
this show before
it must be a repeat
or i've been watching
too much reality tv
it can mean wearing
the same shoes
for six months
tired can mean
the sun is warm
through the window
so today i am staying home
with the cats and eating
more chocolate
Wednesday, April 03, 2019
lookbook emotions
motivated
to match my new
confident
yesterday i wore
confused
with a bright and beautiful
frustrated
two weeks ago
i sported this really cute
angry
later today i will put on
my best
tired
when the weather warms up
i'll be riding around in
my favorite pair of
distracted
and when fall hits
we'll all wrap ourselves up
in the warmest
sad
until the holidays
happen upon us
and we put on our
holly
jolly
depressed
but disguise it with
chocolate and marshmallow themed
happy
Tuesday, April 02, 2019
pocket full of lumens
where he can
Monday, April 01, 2019
Friday, March 01, 2019
fizzle
Monday, February 25, 2019
blue anyway
a sky, blue and clear,
let down candy floss
snow flakes
wind gusts swirled
the soft flakes
like a magician
causing eyes to dart
and hearts to feel
a sensation like wonder
a curious urge
to move with the wind
and become part of the scene
feet flit on gravel
and the world is full
and her eyes awake
ready for more wonders
more contradictions
and anomalies of nature
under a sky so blue
in a storm that moves
so much and yet
calm prevails
Monday, January 28, 2019
tried and tried
i think she's dead now,
but it's hard
to get a straight forward answer
from her sometimes.
i had tried,
and this was years ago,
to help her.
i tried talking to her, sending care packages,
hundreds of dollars,
until she got sloppy,
and i caught her lying.
i felt like a fool.
but i tried to talk to her,
tried to get her help,
but she didn't want real help.
at least, not from me.
so i lost her.
i had to lose her.
and now completely.
completely lost.
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
winter wanderer
boot prints disrupt the snow
in zigs and zags
a meandering tracker
chasing day dream fancies
while avoiding branches
weighed down by fresh snow
Monday, January 21, 2019
the puck
the puck glides, bumps, jumps, and swerves
a kid in a green jersey rushes after it
falls and slides towards it, laughing
other kids skate around him like a swarm
they can't find the puck, does he have it?
he keeps laughing, uncontrollably,
giddy from the fun on the ice.
in the background his sister falls.
she's just learning how to skate.
in two months she'll be better than him
at his favorite sport, and he won't mind.