Sunday, May 21, 2006

the troll

she let the guilt compound in her chest
like water buffalo swarming stampeding a barren plane

she sought redemption in ritual starvation
and followed the path of the snake

alone and unclean she waited in turmoil
all the while her heart grew harder each day

for what she had done, she thought,
no lesser punishment could justify

what petty crimes she had partook
against the most redeemable people

they were the tortured faces
of her unruly nightmares

and so she took to absorbing the illness
until she too became one of them

a redeemable treasure in our eyes
a saint with scars on her face

12 comments:

Brian Boutwell said...
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Brian Boutwell said...
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Brian Boutwell said...

A Saint

In her chest guilt compounded like water buffalo swarming a barren plane. She sought redemption in ritual starvation and followed the path of the snake, waiting in turmoil, alone and unclean. Each day her heart grew harder for what she had done—no lesser punishment could justify the crimes she partook against the most redeemable people. They were tortured faces in her nightmares. And so she took to absorbing the illness, until she too became one of them. In our eyes a saint with scars on her face.

?? Prose Poem

I deleted the first one as I made further changes.

Brian Boutwell said...

stampeding a barren plane

??

Crunchy Weta said...

Brian, I don't think punctuation does it justice,; it limits the possible synergies between lines.

Flooding a barren plane
??

Cheers
Glenn

Brian Boutwell said...

You're absolutely right, absolutely possibly right.

arch.memory said...

Stick to couplets, stick to couplets! (Despite your lovely expose on prose poems, katy, I still am not convinced of the format. Sorry.) I do think "stampeding a barren plane" is stronger, though.
Overall, very nicely sculpted!

Andy said...

I like the way you show the reader where you changed this; it's nice to see something of a poem's development sometimes! I've added you into my poetry links, by the way. x

katy said...

thanks for linking to my blog andy and thanks for the comments!

it was appropriot, i thought, to strike out and replace in this poem/post on account of this comments thread attached to it now and the suggestion having originated from here.

katy said...

and i just realized i haven't replied to any of the other comments here... brian, as always, fighting the fight of the prose poem... a the moment though i am trying my hand at marie howe style couplets (sylvia plath used couplets a lot too--am following in my poetess predicesors' footsteps, see?))

though it is a bit of mythology, and would work in prose form, i think the couplets give the buffalo a little more space to stomp around, and leaves breaths for the journey. it was not my intention to rush the story along in one paragraph. perhaps if it were part of series, though, i would agree with you.

and as you'll all have notices, i took your advice in fixing the problem-word. thanks for the imput arch and glenn and everyone

Brian Boutwell said...

To address my initial reaction, I just didn't feel the tension in the lines, to remain as lines. To me I felt more tension in the sentence. With some further editing.

Brian Boutwell said...
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