we hired a white limousine
for $75 an hour
and took it out
to your favorite fishing spot.
at the bracken lake we saw
a duck hunter wading in marshy grass
his hound by his side,
but we saw no ducks.
when we got home we watched
a hawk cross the street
from our yard to the neighbor's.
half way there it spread its wings
and ate the flower
that stuck out of the pavement;
the hawk had been shot
by the gun of the hunter.
we could tell by the missing feathers
from its spread right wing.
[notes: i named this poem before i wrote it. though, i knew before i wrote it that i would mention the hurt hawk (which i did actually see today, this morning, crossing each of the lawns in my neighborhood. i don't know that it was shot, but it was defiantly hurt). unfortunatly, the poem has turned out rather... emotionless, which bothers me. i thought about changing it, about editing it, but decided not to in the end.
the apathy in the narrator's voice that grinds at me is something that, having thought about it i have realized, happens in so many poems. even poems as lovely and wonderful as those of grim tales, or in works by matthew rohrer. so what is it that makes a poem work like the ones in grim tales, versus something like this poem that i just wrote (which doesn't work for me at all)? this is something to ponder. something to discuss? any ideas are welcome.]
for $75 an hour
and took it out
to your favorite fishing spot.
at the bracken lake we saw
a duck hunter wading in marshy grass
his hound by his side,
but we saw no ducks.
when we got home we watched
a hawk cross the street
from our yard to the neighbor's.
half way there it spread its wings
and ate the flower
that stuck out of the pavement;
the hawk had been shot
by the gun of the hunter.
we could tell by the missing feathers
from its spread right wing.
[notes: i named this poem before i wrote it. though, i knew before i wrote it that i would mention the hurt hawk (which i did actually see today, this morning, crossing each of the lawns in my neighborhood. i don't know that it was shot, but it was defiantly hurt). unfortunatly, the poem has turned out rather... emotionless, which bothers me. i thought about changing it, about editing it, but decided not to in the end.
the apathy in the narrator's voice that grinds at me is something that, having thought about it i have realized, happens in so many poems. even poems as lovely and wonderful as those of grim tales, or in works by matthew rohrer. so what is it that makes a poem work like the ones in grim tales, versus something like this poem that i just wrote (which doesn't work for me at all)? this is something to ponder. something to discuss? any ideas are welcome.]
7 comments:
i dunno.
i think the lack of sentiment in this case invites the reader to feel their own way about things - which is good.
i like this poem.
ah, there's a lovely argument for the blank stare of the speaker in a poem = interpretation.
thanks for the angle bryan. and am glad you like the poem.
HI Katy,I'm not a poetry major or anything,but I'm prepared to wade in here. I think there is alot of redundancy in this poem eg first couplet - Why say we hired when the next line says $75 an hour? It removes the urgency of the image, and doesn't leave space for the reader to think and therefore involve themself.
I think pronouns are overused - they interfere with the narrative and become filler.
So removing a lot of the redundancy and pronouns we would get...
A white limousine
$75 an hour
to your favourite fishing spot
Bracken lake
wading in marshy grass
a duck hunter
hound by his side
but no ducks.
At home, a hawk crossing
to the neighbours
spread its wings
and ate the flower
sticking out of the pavement*
The hawk, missing feathers
from its spread right wing
Shot by the hunter.
Ok , in the third stanza I changed the tense to increase immediacy of the image and focus the reader on the hawk and not your actions. In the last stanza I changed the order to reveal the image and allow for a final punchline - although it's not clear if this is the same hunter you saw at Bracken Lake (if not you could have used the indefinite article to refer to said hunter's gun, and if so it weakens the narrative.. after all why hire a limo to go to a lake which logically we would assume would need to be relatively near for the hawk to arrive at your house.)
I'm not against the use of personal pronouns, indeed I cherish them in your poetry where you(and or partner etc) are the focus of the narrative , or where something is revealed about the character, or an observation about human nature is revealed through a character. Of course there are no hard and fast rules :-) I think Grim tales works because the imagery is dense, there are always surprising revelations and the narrator doesnt interfere with the story.
Anyway, your poem could be further refined from here, but I hope you can see my point about the redundancy and repetition of ideas in your original, from those bits I deleted.
Thats my 5 cents worth- Personally I wonder of you're not just playing devils advocate!
Cheers
Glenn
Actually I'd change the last line to an ironical..
A poor hunters shot.
was it a poor shot, did the hunter feel sorry for himself, do we mean poor hawk?- after all it is a hunter also..
Glenn
glenn, beautiful!! (of course i'm not just playing the devils advocate >_< )
i like some of your ideas. i didn't think about the pronouns as much as i'd thought about the actual story. which justifies your point, here; that the story, the actions, is the real motivation behind the poem and not the people observing the actions.
am going to take your thoughts into consideration and play around. it's been a while since i gave a poem a complete haul over.
thank you!
i am a fan of pronouns.
i don't think the english language has enough pronouns and we should invent more.
pronouns can be very powerful if used correctly. consider the way john ashbery employs pronouns for ambiguity.
hehe redundancy and repetition. cough
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