a good afternoon (a work in progress)

for $75 an hour a hired limousine
took us to the brackish lake
where you used to fish every sunday.

a duck hunter, hound by his side,
waded knee deep in marshy grass
waiting for unsuspecting ducks to fly by.

the driver shared cans of sprite with us
as we drove down a dirt road to your house.

from inside the limosine we watched
as a brown hawk crossed the road.

stretching its wings mid way between
your yard and the neighbor's we could see
feathers missing from the right wing
where the hunter's bullet had missed.

[notes: i have tried to limit my pronouns here; not sure that i actually did though! am not happy, still, with the final strophe. it doesn't resonate right just yet... something about "where the hunter's bullet had missed." am i sure it's the hunter and not a hunter? am i sure it missed? and i've had to drop out the bit about the flower which i really liked in the original version... still working on this one, trying to find a balance, but am doing it in the public eye (as it motivates me to make real changes in my revisions).]




original:
we hired a white limousine
for $75 an hour

and took it out
to your favorite fishing spot.

at the bracken lake we saw
a duck hunter wading in marshy grass

his hound by his side,
but we saw no ducks.

when we got home we watched
a hawk cross the street

from our yard to the neighbor's.
half way there it spread its wings

and ate the flower
that stuck out of the pavement;

the hawk had been shot
by the gun of the hunter.

we could tell by the missing feathers
from its spread right wing.