slow dancing in the reception hall,
ignoring his family and newly wed cousin
he kissed me, his hands resting
awkwardly on my shoulders.
he asked me want to go?
and i said yes, so we left.
goose bumps ran the course of my back
by the time we arrived at the house.
we crept in through the porch door,
through the kitchen then up
to his childhood bedroom--painted blue
with a dinosaur bed spread and matching pillows.
i read a story he wrote in sixth grade
about a camel with no hump
while he woke up his little brother
to ask if he could borrow a condom.
when i woke i saw him asleep
in an old wooden chair,
his head propped up against a bookshelf
and two unused condoms lay
dutifully on the bed-side stand.
original:
slow dancing in the middle of the crowd;
in the middle of the reception hall
he kissed me, his hands resting
awkwardly on my shoulders.
he asked me "want to go?"
and i said "yes", and we left
the room in a single file line.
goose bumps ran the course of my back
by the time we arrived at the house;
the car had warmed up just enough.
we crept in through the porch door
and through the kitchen and up
to his childhood bedroom--painted blue
with a dinosaur bed spread and matching pillows.
i read a story he wrote in sixth grade
about a camel with no hump
while he woke up his little brother
to ask if he could borrow a condom.
when i woke i saw him asleep
on an ancient wooden chair,
his head propped up against a bookshelf
and two unused condoms lay
dutifully on the bed-side stand.
8 comments:
... wowy zowy? that's cute.
Thematically and textually-- right on target. It is beautiful.
Only nit I've with this is that you might need a stanza break after he goes to asks for a condom and where you wake up. There does seem to be a major time shift at that point.
i'd thought about ...
i read a story he wrote in sixth grade
about a camel with no hump
while he woke up his little brother
to ask if he could borrow a condom.
when i woke i saw him asleep
on an ancient wooden chair,
his head propped up against a bookshelf
and two unused condoms lay
dutifully on the bed-side stand.
instead of what's posted. not sure that that is any better though... i like the couplet at the end... maybe
i read a story he wrote in sixth grade
about a camel with no hump
while he woke up his little brother
to ask if he could borrow a condom.
when i woke i saw him asleep
on an ancient wooden chair,
his head propped up against a bookshelf
and two unused condoms lay
dutifully on the bed-side stand.
?
Keep the couplet at the end. There is a period after condom and a time shift to justify the break. The enjambment of the couplet to the next to last stanza justifies it's extention. Those are my thoughts.
I should be finishing my damn essay for tomorrow. I keep telling myself I'll get right too it, yet don't.
the word verification is "pomty" i think that out to be a new word.
so you're throwing in a vote for the second option here then?
i read a story he wrote in sixth grade
about a camel with no hump
while he woke up his little brother
to ask if he could borrow a condom.
when i woke i saw him asleep
on an ancient wooden chair,
his head propped up against a bookshelf
and two unused condoms lay
dutifully on the bed-side stand.
great.
now, to work boyo, go!
when i wrote out i really meant ought. but you can't edit these things.
edits, mostly thanks to brian on tcp.
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