my poem about oranges is this time:
i was trained, like all americans,
to eat oranges the right way;
two hands and a stack of napkins.
but mine come with predetermined
thumb nail prints in the peel.
and i
i break the case of each slice
squeeze the pulp with teeth
trained to break the flesh on men's backs.
thinner skin and half moon slices;
frank, give me your finger and suck.
2 comments:
God! Savage! That couplet: "squeeze the pulp with teeth / trained to break the flesh on men's backs." is just... aah! LOVE it!
But, as I wrote for "gloss", I would go for rigorous couplets. Your poetry is strong enough to stand such relentlessness; no need to over-emphasize spaces and grouping. If you don't want to turn the first four lines into 2 couplets, however, I would at least remove some space between the first and second lines. (I don't think that first line can take all that space around it.)
And the last line is a killer!
the first line is meant more as a subtitle. and i coudl drop the third line in the first stanza (the three liner) i suppose.
what says you dearest?
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