it's 9:16am and you are right. I should be focusing on my work at the chamber right now. today, though, I feel like I need a serious warm up.
first, let me preface this post with a truth: I am such a happy girl.
I have so much to be happy about. I am employable. I say this because I have three jobs, my own business, and have been offered three jobs (pretty serious offers) in the last four months. I feel great that so many people find me a desirable employee, even though I am writing on my blog at work instead of creating invoices, updated our chamber social sites, or excavating files right now. Usually, my work ethic is solid, and this post is a warm up to good chamber work.
Something I want to get out in writing, to really express it in a way that I can refer to when trying to describe how I feel right now in my life, is how I struggle right now to fit in everything I want to do without feeling too overwhelmed.
Last night I felt overwhelmed with a sense of duty. Duty to the cleanliness of the house. Duty to the house in general. Duty to financial security. Duty to all the television shows we try to keep up with. Duty to kind strangers who pay me for macarons. Duty to the macarons themselves. Duty to my brother, who celebrates his birthday today, and for whom I will make a cake tonight. Duty to science (I got New Scientist magazine as a birthday present, and I already have a huge stack of the weekly publication on the coffee table which I haven't been able to read through yet). Duty to literature. Duty to Harry Potter and all my lovely friends who love Harry Potter. Duty to my husband to be an attentive listener and friend. Duty to the instagram account my friend Michelle create for me. Duty to my three feline companions and their litter box needs. Duty to my friends who seem so much to like me and want to spend time with me on the phone, online, in real life. Duty to Weight Watchers, one of my many jobs, to be a responsible role model and eat right. Duty to a group of 8 imaginary friends who live in Animal Crossing, I am after all their mayor and I haven't been in the game in over a week again. Duty to myself.
The list is probably missing a few things I can't think of right at the minute. But the point is, I felt all of this slam down on my last night.
Usually, I can handle it all. I get 7 hours of sleep, and I fit everything in with exception of a few. My tumblr account has seen a drop in activity. Animal Crossing and other video games aren't getting any attention. TV, literature, science, those take a hit. I try to compensate with 10 minutes of NPR on the way to work each morning.
My struggle comes, in part, from the fact that I work 46 hours per week. On the clock. So fitting in all the responsibilities and obligations I set up for myself isn't easy.
But what I really want to articulate here, is how I can manage, no matter how much I struggle to do it all, without always feeling like I did last night for a brief while.
I've given it quite a lot of thought. I think perhaps the key to my strength is joy.
I really like everything I do. I like it while I'm doing it.
I even like working out, sort of.
So regardless of tiredness. Of lack of literature. Of disappointed video game animals. I am happy. Very happy. Because even though I cannot do all the things I love, I love everything I do.
And I have left no time, certainly, for things that I do not care for in some way or another. Cleaning litter boxes is not something I truly enjoy, but I love the result of three happy, healthy felines which makes it a duty of pride and love. Same, I guess, applies to taking trash to the dump and paying the bills. A sense of pride and a sense of working for happiness, to deserve it at the end of the day because I earned it.