just got back from Twin Peaks

had the most marvelous time in the woods for a week. am feeling slightly more centered, and that feels really good.

pilot program 5

let's make a packed with nature
dealing in sweat and shaking limbs
with regal Douglass fur

pilot program 4

let's fill the corners a shower room
with soaps, oils, gels and foams
snatched up from the corners of the world
from Beruit to Philadelphia
and Kyoto to New Castle
so that every bathing experience
is a uniquely scented moment

pilot program 3

let's take these diet supplements
with more low-fat dairy and leafy greens
to combat the effects
of ongoing childhood in the kitchen

playing house by the instructions
on the back of a mac & cheese box

made with organic cheese powder
just as it's found in nature
pouring off mac & cheese trees like pollen.

pilot program 2

let's take a look at all the properties
of hot tea on warm summer nights
and the effects it has on burning hearts
of friends and loved ones with mosquito bites

and a control group of brits
with sterling attitudes worth all the trouble
of learning the colloquial vernacular
so we can communicate with them

a message to ahmad, ashraf and michelle

Ahmad, Ashraf, Michelle,

thank you all so so so so much. all three of you came flying in today with careful and caring words that helped me carry through the one, devastating comment that also happened to fall on me today. it's terrible how one negative comment can do more damage than the good work of three amazing people seem to be able to when one is feeling so low...

i am getting better. i started a journal and that's helping me work through some of my spiritual dilemmas.

there's still a lot of work to be done on the whole happy thing though. you are all part of that process and i don't want you to go unthanked, ever.

it's curious and wonderful that all three of you landed in my inbox today. right when i needed you... i'll consider this a coincidence... but i also get a feeling of being connected somehow... spiritually too. sounds a little hokey, but so what, i do.

i love all three of you.

xoxo
katy

pilot program 1

let's try to settle our disputes
in small pre-arranged battles
between ropes and beams
and crowds of adoring fans
with booker stubs from wages made

let's fight like men with something to lose
and bitter hate for one another
until the match is decided
for the winner to bow
and the loser to win the hearts of onlookers

let's give it a smashing name
and put someone in charge
of our character development
so we can turn our disdain
into profit.

thanks for nothing anonymous commenter

in reply to this post

Anonymous said...
Is thát why..

getting to know you as a writer on WET - a cool, sexy poetess - I wondered what happened to her?
There's now a girlie housewife obsessed with weight and loss - nothing cool or sexy anymore - where's your life ?

*****

my first gut reaction to this comment is anger. i typed out a variety outraged responses, non of which i posted, but decided it would be much better for me to lay my full response out where everyone will see it.

let's start with "getting to know you as a writer on WET". aside, possibly, from craig, no one on wet poems got to know me through those poems. the blog was dedicated to a very specific, very sexy genre of poems; all of which are only a small component in the whole me (both as a poet and a person).

"what happened to her?"
someone deleted the blog. thanks for that, now all those poems i posted are lost.

not much of the first bit of the comment bothered me too much. as much as i'd still like to have that outlet, i can do the same work here when i chose. it also taught me to be a bit more careful about saving my work. a lesson that needed learning (and still needs a bit of teaching... i can be a bit careless with my work).

what really upsets me about the comment is the description: "girlie housewife obsessed with weight and loss".

the world obsessed to me is one of those extreme descriptors which only sounds appropriate or acceptable coming from the mouth of the person it describes. i could say "i'm obsessed with cupcakes" and mean it in an admitting and playful way; whereas, if one of my friends were to say it, i would likely take it accusingly--as an offense. i don't think you can tell someone they are obsessed with something without implying that the obsession is a problem and should be fixed.

obsessed with weight. no. concerned about my physical well-being, health and confidence? definitely. though the numbers do signify what is healthy for me and what is not, the weight i chose to reach on weight watchers was decided by what their books say is a healthy weight for my age and height.

obsessed with loss. can you call the loss of a family member an obsession? especially considering he only passes away a month ago. considering too, that this was my first major loss. i don't think you can call this an obsession.

not sexy anymore?
i guess not so much in my poetry any more, now that i can strut this around instead of lose myself in fantasy. i've not had to fill the gap as much now that i've become more comfortable with myself as a physical entity.

and finally, where is my life? do you want a laundry list of my daily activities or just a general overview?

although this comment doesn't warrant this response, and although i admit i'm too angry to really be writing this at all (trying to keep myself from saying too much), this is part of what i'm dealing with right now, in trying to open up and talk about my reactions to people and events. this is the sort of comment i usually allow to go without response. at most, i may have deleted. but really, i'm hurt by the comment, by the tone and the implications and i can't let that rest inside me.

so... thank you, anonymous, for making me feel even more insecure about sharing my emotions and thoughts with the people who chose to read my blog. and just when i was starting to feel a bit better about having shared all those deep-seeded, emotional struggles.

if you'd rather read a lot of sexy poetry, try another site.

i'm blue

i've been conspiring to do this for a little while now, and i'm overwhelmingly pleased with the results. thanks to my amiga Tracy, it came out better than i ever expected. ^_^

jack is a good gardener

UFC 100

to celebrate the most anticipated rematch in UCF history, we're going to watch the event at our pal Jerry's house. he has a projector, so the fighters are life size which makes it even more exciting.

i like to contribute to the spread, and since there are lots of guys who like spicy goodies, it's a nice place to flash my spicy cookie muscles.

i use this recipe minus the cinnamon and triple the amount of cayenne. this time too, because we had them, i used white chocolate chips instead of the chunks (though i do love the chunks).

tracking

i learn my way through the city
from one farm stand to the next

great white

i watched as the modern world burst open.

from below, the bellowing of twisted metals
churning into new shapes and the pain
of asphalt and earth shattering
as the metals reach uninhibited for the skyline.

bold white tubes of steel with tracks like tendrils
sweep past me with ballet finesses
smooth but devastating.

i watched as the people here clamber aboard
the great white beasts and ride their veins
like children on roller coasters
swift, gleeful interludes to the morning commute.

the screams of joy indistinguishable
from the agony of the planet, as monsters burst
in all shapes in all cities
from Umeda to Brookline
the world is waking up.

Dream Me Umeda

a handsome man you seem to know
takes you to a love hotel
overlooking the glowing rivers
you see the future in sickly tremors
bright yellow poisons
seeping from hidden positions
but in the hotel you're separated
what kind of love hotel is this?
frustrated and angry flee
only to get lost in the city
a man points out a fruit stand
you're in Umeda, he screams
smiling and waving his hand
this is the best part he demands
pointing upwards as ferris wheels
with people on board
are raised like giant white monsters
in the middle of an unfamiliar square
where a small italian girl
helps you find the subway grid
and gets you home just in time
to realize you'll be late again
but healthy old women assure
there's no work to be done any more
relax, have breakfast and forget about that man
you thought you loved
but couldn't have

ailing me

obligations are responses
in careful order and these ones
to falling asleep
while watching a piece
on Leonard Cohen.

i waned in and out
of the selfish state
some kind of paralysis
while wainrights, caves and crockers
sang songs of his
and told stories of discovery
and beautiful first encounters.

i relived mine in a dream
where i spoke with Leonard as he stood
wearing a nice suit
telling me about his father
and describing his obsessions
over women and mythologies.

asleep on a sofa
with a cat at my feet
until i woke and teared again
against all the social means
have made myself ill
with sick thoughts and self loathing.

if i could just accept it
Leonard told me to embrace it
but when i wake the guilt settles in
and i begin to think of everyone else
what to do for them
at the epoch of my tragedy.

the tale of a carrot cake

First of all... thank you to Mary K, Ana-Maria Bell and Nicole Beaudoin for introducing me to carrot cake. I always thought I hated carrot cake. But oh, how wrong was I! oh, so very very wrong!

I always thought I hated carrot cake. I suppose I just never tried good carrot cake. I'm not a fan of walnuts in... anything ('sept the odd maple ice cream), and seeing as how lots of carrot cake has them in, it's sort of natural that I just assumed I wouldn't like carrot cake. Also, how desperate was the person who first put carrots in cake? Or... how pregnant?

Regardless, I'm not the sort of person to turn down trying something new (even if it's a something I think I probably don't like). Nicole brought a lovely carrot cake into the office one afternoon and since I'd not remembered the last time I ever tried carrot cake, I did (try it I mean). And it was better than I thought. Actually, it was pretty marvelous.

So then when little miss Ana-Maria made carrot cake cupcakes and kindly offered me one, I decided to go for it. Variety--you know, to confirm that I liked it. And I did (like it I mean).

Fast forward a few months to Bunny's hen party: Mary K shows up with a box of little cakes. One of these types of little cakes has carrot-shaped frosting designs. I had one of them for breakfast and guess what? I LOVED IT!

That's when I decided I had to make my own. So I went researching until I found THIS recipe via food gawker.

So tonight, my lovely wife Liz came over and we made this little carrot cake together ^_^ which turned out rather marvelous.

I exchanged oil for apple sauce (as I wasn't taking Ryan's tastes into concideration and I am rather found of the way apple sauce substitutes for oil as a healthy and moister alternative) and we added a bit more spice than we were meant. It was amazing. Moist, sweet, happy carrot cake.

Because it was so lovely and I'm sure to make it again soon, I want to preserve it (as a recipe and a little story). So here it is:

Ingredients
1 cup all purpose flour
1 cup granulated sugar
2 servings of Motts' no-sugar-added apple sauce (i bought the individually portioned cups because they were on sale and i can take one to school or work instead of having a half full jar in the fridge)
2 large eggs
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp all spice
1 tsp cinnamon
pinch of salt
2 cups of finely shredded carrots (large, organic, sweet, juicy)

Directions
Combine sugar and apple sauce in a large bowl until mixed well. Incorporate eggs. Add eggs one at a time, beating well (i just used a fork and it came out splendiferous).

Combine flour, spices, baking soda and baking powder together. Add dry ingredients to wet mix and stir until fully incorporated.

Feel free to add nuts, raisins, whatever. (Because it was my first go at carrot cake, I kept it really simple.)

Pour into two, greased 7" round pans (or 9" or square or cupcake tins or whatever you have lying around...).

Cook at 350 degrees for 25 minutes or until the top is slightly brown or a toothpick can pierce the cake without any gooey cake insides stuck on it when you pull it out.

Cream Cheese Frosting
Beat 8oz of cream cheese with 1/2 cup (one stick) of unsalted butter until mixed well. Add 1 tsp of vanilla extract and 1 and 1/2 cups of confectioners sugar. Beat on low speed until combined. Add cream cheese, vanilla and/or sugar to taste. I added extra vanilla for a slightly less cheesy taste.

These amounts for the frosting will give you a thin layer for a two layer cake. You may choose to make more frosting for decorating. For the carrots I made, I used gel color to make a small amount of green and orange frosting, then pipped the design by hand (obviously, ha!).

the key to joy

(and why i've been a miserable lump lately)

i prefer to keep my negative emotions a secret. in part because i feel selfish when i lay all my worries and hurts on the table (especially in front of people with their own worries and hurts to deal with), and in part because often it's just easier to throw those worries and hurts to the way side.

chin up, smile the blues away, la-de-da.

i also like to keep negative emotions locked away for preservation of character. i place great importance in being liked and respected by others. i do whatever i can to be kind and am always thinking of others (putting others before myself). i work hard and try to keep a positive exterior to earn the respect and affection of others. when people think of me, i want them to think positively.

but the price of keeping everything under wraps (pretending to be happy jolly katy) is starting to take its toll on me. the other night, while working at two brothers pizza, i began to fall apart. the clock ticked by slower than ever, the tickets kept coming, it was hot, i was angry and sad and self pitying. my ill mental state soon manifested in the physical state of shaking, vomiting and crying (all of which no one working with me seemed to notice... they all just assumed i was hot? tired? what?). by 10 of 10 i couldn't take it any more. i asked someone to finish for me and clocked out.

before going home i curled up in a ball in my car and sobbed. i was paralyzed with unhappiness. after 10 or so minutes, i muscled up and made it home as fits of rage and depression washed through me.

i got in the door, fell to the kitchen floor and dialed by boss, jimmy, who i'd just left without much of a word. though i'd given in my two week notice and this was my first of the last four nights of work there, i completely broke down. the call was to apologize for leaving the work place dirty still, and to tell him i was finished.

really finished.

what followed was what one looking in from the outside might title a panic attack (that's what ryan called it). what it felt like was the shattering of bones. the compression of organs. i could barely breath between uncontrollable sobs. that sounds melodramatic and writing about it feels false, but there was a complete breakage of being last night that i need to acknowledge.

i didn't just break, i'm still broken. i'm fragile and fatigued and just... well... unhappy. and although ryan doesn't want me to... i can't help but feel guilty, selfish and at fault for all my unhappiness.

my grandfather passed away not long ago now. the funeral service was a nice closing statement to his legacy. but it was that very funeral, whenever anyone said the phrase "better place", that i had my suspicions confirmed. i do not believe in life after death. i've heard so many people talk about it, feel it, know it, but i've never had to believe it myself until this loss. i'm not dealing with the loss well because i cannot believe that there is anything more to him now... what he had was amazing. he fought, loved, lived. he was an amazing character and a wonderful man, but he's just dust now. dust inside a pretty box. having realized this... maybe what i'm going through now is similar to what a child goes through when she first realizes she isn't imortal afterall. it's like crying because you see blood coming out of your knee even though it doesn't really hurt. the blood is proof that she can die.

i've tried to react positively to the news that we all die, that we don't come back as goats or bees or princesses or ghosts or angels. we don't come back. my rational reaction then, is to live this life to the absolute. i want to live, to accomplish, to be happy and healthy and vibrant. and i want to make this life the best for the people around me too. i'll have a cupcake if i want one, because this is heaven. saturday, i'm going to eat a cheeseburger from white hut and ride on the best rollercoaster in the world. i'm going to live. and i have a life partner who feels the same way, which should make it easier.

problem with this? yeah... that bit about making life better for everyone else... it overshadows the bit about me living.

i worked at two brothers for two years. i worked there fore three months too many. i should have put in my notice when i got back from japan. but i felt selfish feeling upset there (a terrible circle, i know, and i'm coming to realize this). i hate to give up, to throw in the towel. i'm apollo creed in his match against the russian. and two brothers sucked all the life out of me, all the fighting energy. maintaning a smile there... impossible. i had to give up. i just didn't do it soon enough and ended up making a fool of myself.

i made a fool of myself... stupid thing to say. i broke down. how is that foolish? well... i guess i let it get to that point in the first place, but the truth is, everyone is allowed to feel sorry for themselves once in a while right?

my grandfather's death, working hard at a shitty job with little reward and a lot of bother... those aren't the only matters at hand.

there's school too.

this thesis i'm writing is the hardest thing i've had to do. the hardest part is though, that i know if i set myself to it i could do it in a couple days and be done with it. so the actual work isn't the problem. the problem is this wall i've built between the real world and myself. i'm so scared of finishing school... so petrified of graduating. but why? self doubt maybe... fear of leaving the nerf envirnment supplied within these grey walls of the university? yeah. and fear of having to answer to someone, the fear of making real mistakes. those fears out weigh the potential for making a real world difference, for being successful.

thinking about it yesterday... even though it was for a class, i did actually make $1,000 for the animal shelter, and i could easily do it 100 more times. there's so much potential out there for me (within me), but i'm a nervous wreck about stepping out.

i don't want to be finished with school. but at the same time, i want to. i want to build a cook book of all my favorite recipes. i want to paint bird houses and hang them up on all the trees in my back yard. i want to write a graphic novel with my brother. i want to write grants. i want to blog and write poetry more. i want to live without the burdon of a paper and meetings with stan.

so what the hell is stopping me? fear?

i think about this all the time... this irrational fear that i can see through, but can't walk through... then i get frustrated with myself, angry at myself, and i shut down. i cry, i sleep, i waste days in front of the watch-it-now netflix que on our xbox 360... i waste a day and then i get even more upset at myself. the vicious cycle.

i get so mad, so scared, so unhappy that it makes my stomach hurt. that's when i try to supress it all, try to cover it all up and put on a smile. that's when i appologize to my friends for being tired or stressed, but smile and listen to their woes anyway. really, sometimes, i just want to explode, but i carry on for the better of those around me.

and it's not doing me any good.

but i still don't know how to be happy... i still don't know what the key is or what it unlocks. not yet anyway.

down

pile her up over pergo and vinyl
patterns on rotation
on display through Monday

then take her down
battered and worn
to sell for more

when the eyes fade
into the pools of the attack
the empty tissue box has stories

budding foodie

I took the "Are you a Foodie?" quiz on facebook the other day and got a top score. I had to guess all the questions about foods with French names, but I guess my daily visits (addiction) to foodgawker has actually taught me about more than just cupcakes.

I was surprised at the quiz results. I know it's just a facebook quiz that could have been made by just about anyone (although, I suspect my high school Spanish teacher), but it still hadn't occurred to me that I might be a foodie. Maybe Ryan's fanatic burger enthusiasm and thirst for exciting, new food adventures has rubbed off on me a bit, but then there's also my new love for food which has stemmed from my weight loss.

Ah, weight loss. I have lost weight (note, past tense), but I still work every single day--no, every meal--to keep those pounds off. Working in an ice cream shop doesn't exactly make the maintenance easy either.

Settling into a new healthier weight sounds easy, but it's proving to be just as difficult as the weight loss process itself. Falling into old bad habits, like allowing yourself a little sugar in your tea or opting for an egg cooked in butter instead of oil, is too easy.

My solution to falling backwards has to be a continuous effort to negotiate with myself; to take a few minutes before each meal or snack to decide if, for example, a small ice cream with hot fudge or a slice of pepperoni and bacon pizza is really worth the same to me as a day full of fresh fruits, veggies, or an oh-so-lovely earl gray soy latte. These are my daily battles with food. Comfort food is such a strong and debilitating crutch. Trying to run without it is nearly impossible at times, but what I can do is re-define comfort.

Dropping the "food" from comfort is a gigantic leap, and one I'm not sure I'm totally ready for yet. So instead, how about comfort cooking? This is where the foodie buds appear. Food blogs and recipe sites (including Weight Watchers' website) are my arsenal towards building a comfort cooking base. Instead of sneaking into the fridge or cupboards to gaze over the foods there, I can turn on the computer and drool over the innumerable beautiful displays of food available. This satiates that craving the mind has for food. I fantasize about food. We all do. Think, how many times have you turned to food out of boredom? Peeking around the kitchen is not a reaction to hunger, and so the virtual food curbs the same cravings. But that's not all...

Food blogs and the like actually work to inspire me to try new ingredients and combinations. Who ever came up with roasting oranges and asparagus together must have been terribly bored, but wow.

So maintenance is about experimenting for me. The more new, healthier habits I form now, the more successful I become and the better I feel physically and mentally. My next adventure comes tomorrow when, for the first time in the four years I've lived in Sandwich, I'm going to visit the local farmers' market. The quest: to see what awesome stuff I can come home with for $20. Should be exciting.

red, white and blue

happy 4th!