(by ElwoodBluesUK of SAMC2)
this is a response to my telling my friend el, in england, about the episode my mom and max shared. i found it quite funny and thought i'd share with all...
1.. Pick up cat and cradle it in left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2.. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat and
repeat process.
3.. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4.. Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand . Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5.. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call in spouse.
6.. Kneel on floor with cat wedged between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler in mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat.
7.. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side.
8.. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9.. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply plaster to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10.. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Get cat
into cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with a desert spoon. Flick down throat with an elastic
band.
11.. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last
tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one.
12.. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Open last pill.
13.. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash
pill down.
14.. Get spouse to drive you to Emergency Room. Sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pills remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home. Order new table.
15.. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring pet shop to see if
they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill:
1.. Wrap it in bacon.
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